Shut Up Already

Memo to Terry McAuliffe re:

Memo to Terry McAuliffe re: Campaigning in Ohio

Dear Kerry campaign staff,

Me here again...you must be really busy, because you haven't been returning my calls. I know how it is when the election cycle heats up! I just wanted to offer you a few tips about campaign spots in Ohio. Please credit me by first name only, as my crazy family votes Republican and I don't want them to know I'm using our relationship against them.

Serious male announcer speaks over images of GWB looking smarmy (note; these are easy to find)

Republicans want you to believe that the most serious issue facing Ohioans this election season is gay marriage. But don't you want your President spending his time on the things that really matter to you?

(Cue photo of food lines)

On President Bush's watch, Ohio has lost 270,000 manufacturing jobs. The President doesn't understand that not everyone has his family connections to fall back on in times of need (cue photo montage of Bush as baseball team owner, riding horse on huge ranch, hobnobbing with other sneering white men, inc. his father). The President keeps promising you tax cuts, but where will that money come from if you don't have a paycheck? John Kerry pledges to bring these jobs back to Ohio.

President Bush has sent thousands of your sons, daughters, and other loved ones overseas to fight his war on terror. (cue photos of servicepeople hugging their families as they leave). He doesn't understand the toll this takes on families left behind. (Cue photos of headlines re Bush's non-service in Vietnam). In fact, the president doesn't understand much about what motivates these brave men and women to serve their country at all (cue photo of newspaper quote from Bush re blowing his eardrum out to avoid Vietnam). John Kerry has a plan for bringing our loved ones home, and he has the experience to back that plan up. (cue photo of Kerry receiving medals)

The president has asked Congress for the right to look at your private financial records and personal emails without your consent or knowledge. His PATRIOT ACT has made it legal to detain U.S. citizens indefinitely, in a secret location, without being charged. The President wants to know the names of the library books you read to your children. John Kerry wants to give you back your civil liberties.

The president wants to alter the Constitution of the United States to pacify special interest groups who supported him in 2000 (cue photos of ugly, snarling, dingy Christian Coalition types waving placards, mouths agape and howling mindlessly; these are also easy to come by). John Kerry thinks that the Constitution doesn't need any help from George Bush to be complete (cue photo of Bush looking particularly stupid; I have several of these saved on my desktop)

President Bush doesn't understand the needs of people like you. John Kerry cares, and he will fight to get your jobs and loved ones back where they belong, and to restore the civil liberties that the Bush administration has taken away from you. Vote for John Kerry on Super Tuesday.

Lunch next week?

XOXO

DCGirl (but from Ohio)

Laissez Les Bon Temps Rouler

Laissez Les Bon Temps Rouler

Here's a round up of some things that happened while I was in New Orleans/on a cruise ship/in Cozumel/on a cruise ship/ in Mobile, AL/in New Orleans.

1. Bourbon Street, baby! So much fun, for about five minutes. Show us your tits! I would, but I'm with my mom, and I'm terrified that she would if I did, and besides you'll give us the beads anyway. Still, there's something in the air in NOLA, besides the blessed humidity, that makes me happy. I started fantasizing immediately about what I'd do if I lived there. Voodoo priestess, I'm pretty sure. Or professional eater.

2. My first cruise! Carnival Cruise Lines thinks its customers are cows and treats them accordingly. They line you up and shunt you through various chutes from the minute you arrive at the port. They brand you with an annoying Sail 'n' Sign card, which you must present at every turn (the employees are like cowboy Gestapo, but Eastern European). They virtually force you to eat--piles and piles of mediocre food that is carved into fanciful shapes in order to fool you into believing that it's fancy. I kept thinking, If they could see me now, out on this fun ship cruise, eatin' fancy food and doing what I choose...they'd chuckle sympathetically and shake their heads. Guess I'm not the cruise type. Also, memo to Kathie Lee: Get out of my head. I beg you.

3. On my voyage of self-discovery aboard the Carnival Holiday, I learned something very important; I like to gamble. I mean I really, really like it. Luckily, I don't have a lot of money to play with, but I ended up betting every penny that I could (I did have a pre-set limit of $250. That's a lot for me.) And I was lucky, which I never am. I won a bunch at slots and blackjack. But, as usually, I was also stupid and lost all my winnings. It is a Very Good Thing that I don't live in a state with legal gambling. The best night was when I played blackjack. I was down to my last $5 and came all the way back past $200. The warm fuzzy feeling I had was like being high or something. VERY dangerous for someone with poor impulse control (me).

4. A steady ocean breeze keeps you from feeling the sun until it's too late. Wear sunscreen.

5. Me amo mucho a Mexico. I went to the most beautiful, deserted beach there...a "lonely beach", as my taxi driver called it. All of the hyperbole people spout about Caribbean beaches is grounded in fact, as it turns out. I saw my first tidepool. Ate some fabulous grilled lobster and tortillas and avocado while sitting under an actual palm tree. See you again soon, Cozumel, mi amor.

6. The junk sold at outdoor "markets" is the same everywhere. EXACTLY the same. Either that or "traditional Mayan handicrafts" have conquered the world's schlock market.

7. If it should happen that two cargo ships crash into each other at the mouth of the Mississippi while you're asea, you may have to spend some time in Mobile, Alabama. In the rain. On a bus with 100 hungover cruisers who just got a signal on their cell phones for the first time in 4 days, and think YOU MUST SHOUT TO BE HEARD FROM THE DEEP SOUTH. FYI, Mobile Alabama is poor compensation for New Orleans the day before Mardi Gras.

8. I'm too old for Mardi Gras. Standing in a slime of vomit and pee is no longer an acceptable tradeoff for any kind of good time. And while I like beads, and can't say I've never flashed anybody for anything, I hate being shouted at and I find all the men with arm-fulls of beads and constantly-running video cameras beyond creepy. Way beyond. I wish I'd gone when I was 19 and had less regard for my personal space. But I still love New Orleans.

9. In my absence, bad things happened in politics. Nader declared his intention to run, which should be worthy of nothing more than an eyeroll but is frightening nonetheless. He needs to go eat a cracker or something and leave us all alone. I went to a rally of his last cycle and wound up on his mailing list. Everything he sends smells like cheap ink and patchouli. Also, GWB came out in favor of an amendment banning gay marriage. I'm not surprised, but it is infuriating. This is one issue where I make no attempt to see the other side's POV; it's homophobia, pure and simple, and history will remember those who opposed gay marriage as we now remember those who opposed integration. It disgusts me to hear politicians dance around this. George, John, John--no one, and I mean NO ONE, wants to have anal sex with you, so let the chips fall where they may, all right? The sanctity of your various marriages is in no more peril that it ever was from your gigantic, suck-all-the-air-out-of-the-room egos.

Soldier for the Truth

Soldier for the Truth

Hasta lluego I'm leaving today

Hasta lluego

I'm leaving today for a vacation; cruise from New Orleans to Cozumel with my mom and sister. I'm not really the cruise type, but my mom really wanted to--and she paid for it, so off I go! I won't be blogging from my giant buffet table on the waves, but I will be thinking about my blog. I'm not too thrilled with the way it's going; not enough original content and too many links to articles that are available elsewhere (though did I tell you that I sent an article on Kerry from Newsmax to Wonkette and she used it? That's what passes for excitement in the blog world. Mine, anyway).

So, I need to reimagine this thing. I don't want to write some teenage confessional, and I don't want a blogroll. I'll have to include some political stuff, since it's an election year and I'm a total political junkie, but beyond that...I don't know. Maybe I need to start leading a more exciting life so I can blog about it. If I blogged about my real life, it would have to be a list of what I watched on TV and what I ate for dinner the night before (America's Next Top Model, American Idol, Queer Eye, turkey breast and fresh mushrooms in a light cream sauce over farfelle. It was really good, and fuck you, Dr. Atkins).

If I wrote about work you'd all stop reading because it would be so whiny. I don't like my job, and I'm eminently unsuited for it. Yet the older I get, the more I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm probably not going to be "discovered", so I'd better figure out what kind of job I want and start trying to get it. (What I really want to be, and I say this with complete seriousness, is a trust fund baby. My mom has assured me repeatedly that it ain't gonna happen, but I'm holding out for my 30th birthday before I totally give up.)

So, now I need to figure out what I can write about. My dog, but that would make me look insane, and could also be used against me in a court of law if he ever does anything REALLY bad after I've blogged extensively about what a hellbeast he is. (How did I end up with a dog that hates children? Is the whole universe aligned against the idea of me having a kid someday?)

Or, I could write about my friends, but I gave them all the address of this blog in a fit of insecurity over low site traffic, and I don't think they'd be amused. I think there's a lot of potential for soap opera-style round-ups of what they're doing (Will E. get the job she so desperately wants? Will the new job be enough to heal the wounds caused by her relationship with HR? Will K.'s parents ever know that she is not the world's oldest living non-postulant virgin? Will Em. and M. break up, or stay together for the sake of not having to move? Will M. re-open after being gutted by a suspicious fire? If not, what will the functional alcoholics who spend all their time there do with themselves? Will crisis counselors be made available? Tune in tomorrow for more Shut Up Already...)

OK, my friends lives aren't that exciting either. Not if I have to write about them in annoying "blind item" style. Hopefully inspiration will come to me when I'm sucking down pina coladas on the Carnival Holiday. I promise not to wear white sneakers or a fanny pack while I'm doing it.

Kerry scandal origins? Okay, if

Kerry scandal origins?

Okay, if this is all there is to it then DRudge can bite me. Sex scandals from the 80s are so, like, yesterday.

Kerry Scandal Brewing? Well, I

Kerry Scandal Brewing?

Well, I won't link to the Drudge Report on principle, but click on over there if you must. He's "reporting" that a Kerry-intern scandal is brewing. God, I hope not.

EDIT: Well, I figure this can't be true. Teresa is the kind of woman who could smell infidelity coming off of her man at 40 paces, right? She would have killed him before he ever won his first primary if this were true.

Plus, it's stupid Drudge reporting. It certainly behooves the Reps to connect the leading Dem contender with the word "intern" in some salacious way. Lor knows it's paid off for them in the past.

I don't care who Kerry screws or how he does it, but if this is true at all, he should drop out of the race today.

Powell Scolds Hill Staffer At

Powell Scolds Hill Staffer At Hearing (washingtonpost.com)

Ouch. At least they didn't name the staffer. Sounds like Colin is getting a little testy--guilty conscience? Everyone knows he didn't believe that evidence he gave the U.N. last year anyway--remember the reports that he had thrown the documents across the room and called them bullshit--so having to re-defend the evidence now must be really grating. Remember, Colin, you're judged by the company you keep!

Yahoo! News - Pundit O'Reilly

Yahoo! News - Pundit O'Reilly Now Skeptical About Bush

So much good news this morning!

I hope this momentum continues, and nothing happens to derail it, like conveniently "finding" Osama or Reagan suddenly croaking and nancy hitting the campaign trail for the Boy King...

Press Briefing re Bush's Military

Press Briefing re Bush's Military Service

As my imaginary boyfriend Jon Stewart to eloquently put it last night, I have one question for the press corps: Where the fuck have you BEEN?

And you know, I don't even really care who served and didn't. But to lie about it so egregiously...he's setting himself up to look worse than he would have if he'd just said, "I was a rich white boy. I got out of Vietnam just like all of the other rich white boys who didn't foresee that they might one day be in political life and be questioned on it."

Actually, he put it rather bluntly here:

(from the press briefing linked above)

In 1994, the President told the Houston Chronicle, in relation to his joining the National Guard, "I was not prepared
to shoot my eardrum out with a shotgun in order to get a deferment, nor was I willing to go to Canada, so I chose to
better myself by learning how to fly airplanes."

I hung out in Adams

I hung out in Adams Morgan last night for the first time in ages. It was fun, but I'm old. I stayed out until the shocking, decadent hour of 11:30 and you'd think I ran a marathon yesterday from the way I feel right now. Two lousy glasses of red wine and I have a headache. And for the coup de lame, we got free shots from the bartender at Duplex Diner, because I actually am that cool (or because one of the people I was with works there, I can't be sure) and I had to send it back half-drunk. Surely this is a new low. I'm still in my twenties, for God's sake. I'll need an electric scooter by age 35 at this rate. Is it illegal to drive those if you're drunk? What if you're drunk off two lousy glasses of red wine and half a shot?