Shut Up Already

New Year's Resolutions 1. Be

New Year's Resolutions

1. Be skinny and ravishing and witty by spring
2. Stop smoking no matter what.
3. Make a budget.
4. Live on my budget.
5. Figure out what kind of job I really want and how to get it.
6. Write a little every day and see if anything comes of it, or stop imgining self as frustrated
essayist whose place in the literary world has been usurped by David Sedaris.
7. Keep my room clean like a big girl.
8. Have more men in nice clean room for nefarious purposes.
9. Spend more time with my friends, even though giving up cigarettes means I'll never enjoy
a conversation or beer or book ever again. Convince self that intact alveoli are adequate
compensation.
10. Spend less time in Ohio. Take time off to stay home for once.
11. Have sparkling clean bathroom at all times.
12. Eat 90% of weird, expensive cheese purchased or desist compulsive buying altogether.
13. Train dog not to bark at children in case I have one someday.
14. Start savings account for eventual purchase of frozen sperm in case Plan A (true love)
and Plan B (gay friend) fall through.
15. Work much harder at job.
16. Wear makeup at least 4 days a week in case Prince Charming is right in my backyard
and oblivious to un-made-up women.
17. Spend less time reading and more time...doing whatever it is non-readers do. Besides
watching TV.
18. Volunteer for Democrats.

Yahoo! News - FBI Issues

Yahoo! News - FBI Issues Alert Against Almanac Carriers

Alert! Alert! Trust not your reference librarian!

I've been reading Michael Moore, whom I used to disdain as a loud boor and now revere. He has some really interesting things to say, both in Bowling for Columbine and in Dude, Where's My Country? about how the government and the media manipulate public attitudes through fear-mongering. I think this is a shining example. I mean, come on; now we're "on the look-out" for suspicious types as judged by the books they carry? It's Orwellian.

A woman in my office was searched yesterday on Pennsylvania Avenue, near the Capitol, driving her minivan with her kids in it. The cop said it's routine since the terror alert went up. I, for one, wish they were concentrating their resources elsewhere. Stopping private citizens and searching their vehicles for no reason whatsoever seems a little un-Constitutional to me. She wasn't bothered though, and that's the scary part; how easily people will let their basic freedoms go in service of some "greater good", as defined by the government. People need to start getting enraged about this now, while rage is still somewhat legal. This administration will obviously take whatever they can if we let them.

Bush Sneaks Parts of PATRIOT

Bush Sneaks Parts of PATRIOT ACT II into Law on Day of Hussein Capture

This is a really horrible new development.

Excerpted:

Congress passed the legislation around Thanksgiving... The Senate passed it with a voice vote to avoid individual accountability. While broadening the definition of "financial institution," the Bush administration is ramping up provisions within the 2001 USA Patriot Act, which granted the FBI the authority to obtain client records from banks by merely requesting the records in a "National Security Letter." To get the records, the FBI doesn't have to appear before a judge, nor demonstrate "probable cause" - reason to believe that the targeted client is involved in criminal or terrorist activity. Moreover, the National Security Letters are attached with a gag order, preventing any financial institution from informing its clients that their records have been surrendered to the FBI. If a financial institution breaches the gag order, it faces criminal penalties. And finally, the FBI will no longer be required to report to Congress how often they have used the National Security Letters.

CNN.com - Palace 'ghost' caught

CNN.com - Palace 'ghost' caught on camera - Dec. 19, 2003

So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen,

So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Adieu

I'm off for the week, starting in an hour. I won't have much internet access from Ohio, but I should have enough to post some quick updates and check my mail a couple of times. I caught myself humming a Christmas song for the first time today, so maybe there's hope for salvaging some joy out of this holiday yet. Here's hoping.

MPR: 2003 Happy Merry Lyric

MPR: 2003 Happy Merry Lyric Contest

This is fun. I especially like:

We wish you would marry this one
We wish you would marry this one
We wish you would marry this one and drop your career

He's tidy, he sings to you and he's thin;
good and tidy and Christian and a head full of hair
Oh bring us our daughter's wedding
Oh bring us our daughter's wedding
Oh bring us our daughter's wedding and we'll buy the beer

Refrain
We won't go until we get a son
We won't go until we get a son
We won't go until we get a son, bring a son-in-law here

Refrain
We wish you would marry this one
We wish you would marry this one
We wish you would marry this one--or else that one there

People were writing their faux

People were writing their faux Christmas letters on a forum I participate in, and I decided to do one too. This is not the Special Holiday Content I alluded to earlier.

Annual Christmas Letter

Dear Friends,

Well, 2003 has just been super! So much to tell! Bree and I got a dog in January. He's a real sweetie, and a bundle of energy. In February, he broke his back leg. Keeping him completely immobile for 6 weeks was a challenge, but it sure did afford some excellent bonding opportunities!

We took a little vacation to Florida in April for my birthday. We got to hang out at a very nice, pink hospital in sunny, non-coastal Leesburg. All of the doctors and nurses were just swell. Grandpa was a little worse for the wear when we left, but they said he'd be right as rain in no time.

We went home for Grandpa's funeral in June. Thank goodness he died on a Thursday, so I only had to miss two days of work. It was fantastic to see everyone. Even people who'd been tossed out of the family years before sent flowers!

As nice as it was to be home in early June, it was even nicer to be home for Mary Rose's funeral in July! A great chance to see the whole other side of the family. Of course, dad was pretty upset, but he had a lot to think about, what with his twin brother being diagnosed with terminal cancer the very same day! I tell ya, that was a doozy. The good news is, they've determined that the cancer wasn't caused by asbestos. The bad news is, they still can't do anything. I guess it's one way to achieve that heroin chic look all the kids like so much!

In September, we bought a house. And our financing only fell through twice! Some folks say we should be concerned that our house was renovated illegally and never inspected by the city, but I say who can worry about that when there's water pouring through the roof every day? I can't remember a year when it's been more rainy. Bree and I sure are lucky--how else would we have found out that the roof had seven or eight major holes in it?

Some of you have asked about the terrible, ugly family feud that's brewing over Grandpa's will. I have some reassuring news on that front; everyone has retained separate counsel, and just in time for the holidays! It'll be a bright one for the legal community in my hometown, since they all stand to make some money off this! And don't worry about the family being fractured forever; there's plenty of siblings and cousins; odds are some of us will come through this still speaking to one another (I'm looking at you, Aunt A--!)

Now, I know you think I'm glossing over all of the juicy parts about our exciting, Sex and the City type love lives. You'll have to buy me a drink to hear all the details, but here's hint; neither of us is seeing anyone! And we haven't been all year! Oh, hey, what's that noise? That's right, my biological clock! Ha ha!

I'll probably be seeing most of you at a funeral here pretty soon, but if I don't, you have a fabulous 2004. I know I will! My therapist promised!

Tough Time For Democrats (washingtonpost.com)

Tough Time For Democrats (washingtonpost.com)

"Jay Leno is a celebrity, too, and he wouldn't have had a chance. Lakoff is a bearded, articulate progressive who has done a lot of work on the framing of winning issues. He stresses that Arnold was sponsored by Republican kingmakers because he's a fantasy figure who very clearly represents the strict, punishing father people turn to in times of fear. "

Gettysburg Cemetery Dedication Hilarious PowerPoint

Gettysburg Cemetery Dedication

Hilarious PowerPoint of Lincoln's Gettysburg address. Thanks to my friend at Dissento for pointing this out.

Happy Hump Day, my legions

Happy Hump Day, my legions of readers.

I'm working on some Very Special Holiday Content for you, but it's taking a wee bit longer than anticipated due to the multitudes of viruses replicating inside me. Fear not! I think it's just a cold, but it's making me achy and bitchy and muddle-headed, and I cannot in good conscience post Special Content developed in such a state.

I currently have 16 hours and 15 minutes left to work before a week of vacation. Granted, it will be a week spent in Ohio amid high family drama, but.... Oh, I can't think of a way to finish that sentence. I think I have a fever.