Dear Mayor Williams,
I know it's been a while since we've spoken, but allow me to remind you of my earlier comments regarding emergency events here in the District of Columbia. I just saw your statement in the wake of today's emergency alert/evacuation/complete freakout, and it's clear that you've forgotten the salient point of my earlier memo: to wit, the Capitol Police and the Secret Service really don't care what happens to DC residents in the event of an emergency anywhere in the District. Step away from the curb when the SUV full of unpaid interns from Flat Red State comes flying by on its way to a secure location, because they will mow your ass down. Every copy boy and girl in the Longworth House Office Building will be cooking pork and beans over a campstove in Greenbriar before those of us who own homes on Capitol Hill are advised to shut our windows to help screen out toxic particles.
Not that it will help.
I had the luck to be sitting in the same office I was in on 9/11 today, so close to the Capitol dome I could touch it and/or be crushed by debris if a plane hit it, when my mother called to tell me that the Capitol had been evacuated (my stepfather had called to ask her if she'd heard from us--first time they've spoken in a couple months. I know we should call him or something, Tony, but it's awkward because I'm not sure how we're supposed to feel about this divorce and I'm not in therapy any more because I have no health insurance and...well, that's probably a topic for another time.)
Anyway, my very first thought when my mother called was There is no way I can run in these shoes. What I'm saying is, the Emergency Evacuation Plan isn't really inspiring much confidence at this point, three years post 9/11, and judging by your remarks today on the teevee you're still waiting for some help from the Big Boys downtown. Tony, I shouldn't have to tell you this, because I'm sure you're aware that we have no voting representatives in Congress, and you're the one who wears that bow tie into the subcommittee meeting every year to beg for our li'l budget--they just don't care. The fact that you knew they were thinking about shooting a small plane down on top of your constituents only 41 minutes after the plane violated restricted airspace, after the fighter jets were scrambled and after the buildings were evacuated--well, that was probably ahead of schedule. I'm just sayin'.
Chocolate City just can't get any respect, even though we totally have a baseball team and go-go now, and I don't have to tell you how much the senators and representatives love go-go.
In conclusion, let me just say, as I always do, please don't do anything to fuck up the property value of my house.
Yours in urban pioneering in the post-9/11 era,