Ciao, 2004. You weren't quite as bad as 2003, but you could certainly have been better. Before I completely erase you from my memory for all eternity, let's recap.
January dawned cold and infectious. I stayed home sick on New Year's Eve, which turned out to be a harbinger of things to come. In fact 2004 can really be summed up as the year I lost my groove. I started the year out by making some resolutions, which I failed to keep, as I do every year. Of all my resolutions, I managed to hold true to two: read less, though that is due more to TiVo than my own strong will, and volunteer for the Democrats. Fat lot of good that did. I did not quit smoking, even though I attended the funeral of my uncle who died at 52 of lung cancer. Must. Quit. Smoking.
February featured a cruise to Cozumel, wherein I learned that I have a slight addiction to gambling and that I hate cruises, but I love New Orleans. I wish I was in New Orleans right this minute, drinking a daiquiri on someone else's dime. I guess unemployment is kind of a vacation...like intestinal parasites are a good diet plan. Yeah.
March was a good month for blogging. I flew to New Jersey on a private jet, which was probably the most fun thing I did in my old job...even including the super fun trip my boss and I took to Kansas City. March also contains my beloved St. Patrick's Day. I went out last year even though it was a dreary cold school night, and I had a damn good time. This year, I won't even have to worry about being hungover at work, because I don't have a job! There are so many benefits to being unemployed, if you look hard enough.
April is a good month because flowers bloom, we get an hour more of sunlight per day, and my ovaries get one year closer to spitting out all of their eggs, thereby ensuring that my genius dies with me. Happy, happy birthday to me. 2004's celebration featured gambling in Atlantic City and an afternoon in lovely Philadelphia. I had a job back then, I had hope for the election...good times, good times.
May was the month for my brief career as a farmer and the fun wedding of my two former roommates from college. Which reminds me that I really want to go to New York again. I hear the panhandling's much better there anyway. Ba dum bum. To broaden the focus of this entry away from my navel for a moment, May was also the month that the Abu Ghraib scandal came to light. Who would have thought that the asshats who let that happen would still be in charge at this point in time? Tsk tsk, America.
June means summer! Summer means hellberries. It was also the month I had to drive around with Bush stickers on my car, which was a shameful and transformative experience. But despite my unwilling boosterism, it was a bad month for Republicans because the Gipper went to that big ranch in the sky. On a trip to West Virginia for my sister's birthday, my mom said the funniest thing she's ever said. This blog is totally worthwhile just for keeping that quip alive. I try to mention it to her at least once a month.
July sucked because it was beastly hot and I spent a terrible week in Ohio, fretting about the family lawsuit. We brought the "new" car back, and I had to drive the old one even though it had bad brakes and no CD player because sis said I was more familiar with it. She's a control freak.
In August, I got my first--and last--piece of hate mail. Aw. And I took my one big vacation, a weekend in North Carolina, and sat through Hurricane Charlie instead of on the beach with a Mai Tai. Who knew it would be my very last vacation ever?
In September (I'm getting so bored with this entry. Aren't you?) I found TiVo and Cesar Millan in one fell swoop.
October started out so hopefully, with mounting election excitement. I was so optimistic in those days. I had my outfit for the inauguration all picked out, and I daydreamed constantly about the important new job my friend E was going to have after the election, and how she'd drag me along on her coattails and I'd eventually take over the Democratic party and put an end to global warming and abolish the death penalty and hang out with Bill Clinton whenever I wanted. Then I got laid off, and that really blew...
And then in November, we lost the election and that really, really blew. History will doubtless record Bush's win as a much bigger disaster than my unemployment, but personally...I'd call it a tie.
December was just last week; surely you remember it without my recap. Highlights included my first published piece in the Little Paper, lowlights were pretty much swept by the worst Christmas ever and my last day as a contributing member of society. Also, to put my own petty misery in perspective, the horror of the tsunami in Southeast Asia. The year was slightly redeemed by the very nice New Years weekend that just passed--I went to two parties, which brings my yearly total up to...carry the 1, subtract 4, plus 8...2. To try and give 2005 a fighting chance, I ate hoppin john, greens, AND pork and sauerkraut on New Years Day. If I'd been told that eating the beating heart of a two-headed newt was an auspicious activity, I would have buttered that organ up and visualized chicken.
Stay tuned this year for Stayin' Alive in 2005. I apologize in advance for being unemployed and turning thirty all at once. You think it sucks for you...well.