It's Friday, it's raining, and my dog hurt hinself again somehow. I guess the phrase "Mommy is UNEMPLOYED" doesn't really mean anything to him. Kids can be so selfish. Also, I have two doctor's appointments today and I've been totally repressing the fact that next week is the thing I dread most here at Lame Duck Inc: the audit. The ways I hate the audit are varied and many,but it's the amount I hate the audit that's really startling for its pure operatic force.
So, I had planned to have a little cookie-decorating- and-wine-drinking party this weekend, but I'm thinking of cancelling. I don't want cookies, I don't want to make my house clean enough for company, and I have to work on Sunday anyway because of the mothereffing audit. The whole point of the soiree was to forcibly inject some Christmas spirit into my life, but I just don't think it's happening for me this year. There's my looming destitution, for one, but family stuff as well. If this blog were completely anonymous and no one I knew in RL was reading it, I would describe the whole multi-faceted horror show here and maybe feel better for it. Alas. Just believe me when I tell you it all sucks and there's no end in sight for the suckage. I can hardly wait to get there! Woo-hoo! Ho, ho, ho.
And so, some pablum from the internets for your enjoyment on this lovely Friday.
Holiday Eating Tips
Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.