And I hate all of the 18-25 year olds who didn't vote. And all of the yahoos who who are so afraid of gay sex that they stood in line all day to vote for Bush. Guess what: gay people are still having sex! Right now, in your podunk, backwater shithole of a town! Nothing you do can stop them. Most of your children will be horrified and ashamed when you tell them you voted to deny gay people their civil liberties. Some of those children will be extra horrified because they'll be regularly having gay sex too. Even the boys. And there's nothing you can do about it! Suck on that (heterosexually, of course.)
I hate all of the people who don't believe in global warming, and think it's A-OK to continue to destroy the environment because "God said they could." Dominion theologists: go fuck yourselves with a tuna full of mercury. Seriously. Or wait, can you not do that because it's technically sodomy? Then just eat the tuna. You'll still be fucked.
I hate all of the people who think No Child Left Behind is working, and can't see that it's a ploy to destroy public education in this country and widen the reach of religious and private school vouchers, so that the poorest children only will be left to deal with a gutted system that teaches them nothing. Those poor children, who never learn to read or think and who drop out at 15: they will earn their living by robbing people who voted to disregard their education. Enjoy reaping what you've sown and all.
I hate people who believe that the only way to support our troops is to vote to keep them in harm's way indefinitely. I guess those voters just can't hold two ideas in their head at the same time. I'll say this slowly: you don't have to support the war to support the soldiers--the young, poor, disproportionately black and brown people who die to pad Dick Cheney's bankroll. I know, I know, it's hard! But with practice, you can hold more than one idea in your head at once. Surely you know someone who voted Democrat--maybe the librarian at your underfunded town library, for instance. She can help you practice this radical thing we in the blue states call critical thought. It's something we do while we drink lattes made with Fair Trade coffee. Remember, you are allowed to thnk critically in this country, no matter what they tell you at church. Though we advise doing so quietly for the time being.
And even as a person with no job, let me tell you this, Bush voter: my kind of people are going to be fine. We are educated, and we live in cities where there are plenty of jobs. Outlaw abortion? Your people will still have them, they'll just die from it. Our friends are doctors. Mandate religion? We'll become Universalist Wiccans and bespell your dumb asses. Gut Medicare and Social Security? We have 401k plans, and savings accounts, and houses that are worth something. Don't come crying to us when you can't afford the asthma medication you need to breathe the smog you voted for. Tear down public education? We'll teach our children ourselves, and they will become critical thinkers too. We may be down, but we're not out.
Via Fanatical Apathy, which I'm sure you all read anyway:
I concede that I overestimated the intelligence of the American people. Though the people disagree with the President on almost every issue, you saw fit to vote for him. I never saw that coming. That's really special. And I mean "special" in the sense that we use it to describe those kids who ride the short school bus and find ways to injure themselves while eating pudding with rubber spoons. That kind of special.
I concede that I misjudged the power of hate. That's pretty powerful stuff, and I didn't see it. So let me take a moment to congratulate the President's strategists: Putting the gay marriage amendments on the ballot in various swing states like Ohio... well, that was just genius. Genius. It got people, a certain kind of people, to the polls. The unprecedented number of folks who showed up and cited "moral values" as their biggest issue, those people changed history. The folks who consider same sex marriage a more important issue than war, or terrorism, or the economy... Who'd have thought the election would belong to them? Well, Karl Rove did. Gotta give it up to him for that...
I concede that I put too much faith in America's youth. With 8 out of 10 of you opposing the President, with your friends and classmates dying daily in a war you disapprove of, with your future being mortgaged to pay for rich old peoples' tax breaks, you somehow managed to sit on your asses and watch the Cartoon Network while aging homophobic hillbillies carried the day. You voted with the exact same anemic percentage that you did in 2000. You suck. Seriously, y'do...
There are some who would say that I sound bitter, that now is the time for healing, to bring the nation together. Let me tell you a little story. Last night, I watched the returns come in with some friends here in Los Angeles. As the night progressed, people began to talk half-seriously about secession, a red state / blue state split. The reasoning was this: We in blue states produce the vast majority of the wealth in this country and pay the most taxes, and you in the red states receive the majority of the money from those taxes while complaining about 'em. We in the blue states are the only ones who've been attacked by foreign terrorists, yet you in the red states are gung ho to fight a war in our name. We in the blue states produce the entertainment that you consume so greedily each day, while you in the red states show open disdain for us and our values. Blue state civilians are the actual victims and targets of the war on terror, while red state civilians are the ones standing behind us and yelling "Oh, yeah!? Bring it on!"
More than 40% of you Bush voters still believe that Saddam Hussein had something to do with 9/11. I'm impressed by that, truly I am. Your sons and daughters who might die in this war know it's not true, the people in the urban centers where al Qaeda wants to attack know it's not true, but those of you who are at practically no risk believe this easy lie because you can. As part of my concession speech, let me say that I really envy that luxury. I concede that.
Healing? We, the people at risk from terrorists, the people who subsidize you, the people who speak in glowing and respectful terms about the heartland of America while that heartland insults and excoriates us... we wanted some healing. We spoke loud and clear. And you refused to give it to us, largely because of your high moral values. You knew better: America doesn't need its allies, doesn't need to share the burden, doesn't need to unite the world, doesn't need to provide for its future. Hell no. Not when it's got a human shield of pointy-headed, atheistic, unconfrontational breadwinners who are willing to pay the bills and play nice in the vain hope of winning a vote that we can never have. Because we're "morally inferior," I suppose, we are supposed to respect your values while you insult ours. And the big joke here is that for 20 years, we've done just that.
It's not a "ha-ha" funny joke, I realize, but it's a joke all the same...