On Friday night, while worshipping at the shrine of my beautiful, beautiful TiVo and Cesar Millan*, I innocently moved a tortilla chip from the bowl my roommate had into my mouth.
And nearly died.
It was an unspeakably foul Tostitos Hint of Lime chip. I cannot recall another new product that has caused me so much displeasure. They taste like tortilla chips that have been soaked in poor quality limeade and then left to dry in the sun for a few months. But with a distinctly un-charming chemical aftertaste. I got up from the couch, went into the kitchen (from whence the TiVo cannot be seen AT ALL) and spit it out.
Don't eat them. Trust me.
* Cesar Millan is The Dog Whisperer (on the National Geographic Channel). Every day, twice a day, he goes to the homes of confused Californians and their misbehaving canines and fixes intractable problems in, like, ten minutes. His secret is to use calm, assertive energy to make the dogs submit to the will of their owners. Plus, he imitates the dog's he's working with, which is unspeakably hilarious, and in the opening montage he is pulled by a pack of twenty dogs while he Rollerblades down the street. Now that's funny.
Doesn't that sound horribly New Age and cheesy? Well, as the veteran of a dog training course and the reader of many dog training books and the owner of a canine who still behaves pretty badly, I have to say I think it works. And frankly, I don't really have all that much calm, assertive energy to give my dog, so even a dab'll do ya, apparently. And, it stops me from giving him my normal discipline, which is to say, "Tsunami, quit it. Stop! Knock it off or you're going back to the pound! STOP it you little asshat!" And then summon Bree to carry him away. Now, I calmly, assertively say "Sht." I even held my arm out to him like a movie wizard at one point, so that my calm, assertive energy could flow directly to him. Now he's only mildly disruptive instead of full-throttle horrid. Gracias, Cesar!