Because I've been so upset recently with the way this campaign season has been going, and because my own job is so spirit-crushingly dull, I've decided to take over John Kerry's campaign. In my head, of course. My first order of business has been to constantly harass my poor pollster friend. She knows things, and I'm convinced that through her, I can influence this election. She's blocked my instant messages for a few days, but that's okay. No one said this would be easy, and the powerful often have few friends. I can accept that. Plus I have all of her phone numbers.
My larger, beyond-the-campaign strategy is to re-invigorate the left. I plan to do an end-run around the moribund, about-to-make-me-scream DNC and start a grassroots movement. Our goal will be to remind working class people that rich people are their enemies. The Republicans have stolen away all of the traditional Democratic voters by preying on their fears about cultural issues. I plan to just get them drunk (our meetings will be disguised as darts leagues, because I enjoy darts) and stoke their nascent class anxiety. Plus, I will casually mention several hundred times that even though Republicans run on ending abortion or stopping gay marriage or whatever, they never actually do that. What they do is pass laws that make rich white men even richer, and maybe also attend prayer breakfasts. Not the fun kind with gospel music even, but the boring kind where people have bad haircuts and the women all wear skirts and lower their eyes.
But there's no time to build a whole movement between now and election day. Indeed, time is very, very short. One thing that John needs now is a series of mean things to say about George Bush, and the chance to say them over and over again. I'm concentrating on nicknames. So far, I'm suggesting:
George WMD Bush
George Doublespeak Bush
The Boy King
That Fucking Idiot (I use this one most frequently, myself)
I'm also throwing a party during the first debate, to raise money for ACT and to keep myself from putting my fist through my TV or something. My tolerance for W's smirk is very, very low right now. Also, it's a good excuse to buy rude, tacky anti-Bush T-shirts (for prizes) and to focus-group* some of my more boring ideas, like a Harper's Index-style flyer about what Bush has really done to this country (never fear, you will see a sample) and a trivia contest I'm calling "Shrub Quiz" (like pub quiz. Get it? I keep saying that, and no one cares, but this is MY blog so just nod encouragingly.)
Another good reason for this party; I love crudite. And I may get to buy a cookie cutter and make donkey cookies to give away. You see, it takes a very secure person to admit that one finds these things exciting, but there you have it. I'm an unreconstructed nerd with a job that actively discourages creativity, so: this party.
And my new pretend job as Kerry campaign supervisor.
*It's taken me a long time to be able to use "focus-group" as a verb. There were a lot of challenges,especially the fact that I don't work in politics or marketing and that I think making verbs out of nouns (nouning, if you will) is sick and twisted. But I finally made it. Thank you, Washington.